The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson

The Humor of Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in a list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for writing and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15).

Here are some of his best lines:

• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
• Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For a while, I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
• I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
• I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?' A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.' I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.'"
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, “But I don’t know how. She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
• I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
• I had amnesia once or twice.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
• I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
• I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'
• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'
• I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
• I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know. I said, “I don’t want your job.
• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars'.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, “Yes, but not in a row.
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on. I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'
• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.
• I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
• I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.’
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
• I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
• I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to a tourist information booth and said 'Tell me about some people who were here last year.'"
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
• I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.
• I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.
• I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?
• If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
• It’s a fine night to have an evening.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
• I've written several children's books ... Not on purpose.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
• Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.
• Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old. I said, “I’ll wait.
• We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What’s another word for Thesaurus?
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
• When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?"
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
• Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.
• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?