The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson

Funniest Comebacks In History

Ooooh, burn.

Human beings often communicate through insults -- it seems to be a permanent state of the human condition. Look, we'd love to pretend that the basics of human nature involve kindness and hugs and rainbows, but really, when it comes down to it, sometimes you just have to conversationally drop the hammer on a fool. There's no shame in it; plenty of people just deserve to get roasted by some of the sickest insults you can manage. And the thing it's important to remember is this: diss tracks didn't start with rap music. Though that's certainly the height of the insult genre by modern standards, people have been insulting and mocking each other for as long as people have been people. Your favorite historical figures are no different -- and in the case of Winston Churchill, they pretty much owe most of their legend to their ability to mock someone else.

But while Churchill is no surprise, how about some of these other historical figures? Did you expect to see Mohandas Gandhi, legendary figure in India's independence, on here? How about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, perhaps the greatest composer ever? Or Pierre Trudeau, former Canadian Prime Minister (seriously- How did a Canadian make this list!)?

Ready for some of the silliest putdowns in history? Read on, because here are some of the funniest of them.

Winston Churchill

Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk!"
Churchill: "You're right, Bessie. And you're ugly. But tomorrow morning, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly."

Calvin Coolidge

Woman at White House Dinner: "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."
Coolidge: "You lose."

Edna Ferber

Noel Coward: "You look almost like a man."
Ferber: "So do you."

Oscar Wilde

Lewis Morris: "There's a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence. But what can we do? What should I do?"
Wilde: "Join it."

Dorothy Parker

Random man: "I can't bear fools."
Parker: "Apparently, your mother could."

Winston Churchill, again

Lady Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln, after being called "two-faced": "If I had two faces, do you think I'd be wearing this one?"

Ilka Chase

Actress: "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?"
Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad that you liked it. Who read it for you?"

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Admirer: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?"
Mozart: "A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with [something simpler]."
Admirer: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
Mozart: "Yes, but I never asked anybody how."

Calvin Coolidge, again

Audience member: "What do you think of the singer's execution?"
Coolidge: "I'm all for it."

Alcibiades

Pericles: "When I was your age, Alcibiades, I talked just the way you are talking."
Alcibiades: "If only I had known you, Pericles, when you were at your best."

Nicholas Longworth

A House member, after rubbing Longworth's bald head: "Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife's bottom."
Longworth, after running his own hand over his head: "Indeed, it does!"

Winston Churchill, one more time

Parliament member: "Mr. Prime Minister, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."

James Joyce

Fan: "Mr. Joyce, may I kiss the hand that wrote Ulysses?"
Joyce: "No, it did a lot of other things, too."

Mohandas Gandhi

Reporter: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Gandhi: "I think it would be a wonderful idea."

Pierre Trudeau

Trudeau, after learning Richard Nixon had called him an a-hole: "I've been called worse things by better men."

Dorothy Parker, again

Parker, upon learning Calvin Coolidge had died: "How can they tell?"

Thomas Brackett Reed

William Springer, quoting Henry Clay: "I would rather be right than be President."
Reed: "The gentleman need not trouble himself. He'll never be either."

Winston Churchill (yes, again)

George Bernard Shaw: "I have reserved you two tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill: "Impossible to come to first night. Will come second night, if you have one."

Fritz Hollings

Hollings, when challenged by his Republican opponent for Senate to take a drug test: "I'll take a drug test if you'll take an IQ test."

Groucho Marx

Marx, upon learning a contestant on "You Bet Your Life" had 10 kids: "Why so many children?"
Contestant: "Well, Groucho, I love my wife."
Marx: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

Benjamin Disraeli

Disraeli, after being called to order for declaring "half the cabinet are asses": "Mr. Speaker, I withdraw my statement. Half the cabinet are not asses."

James McNeill Whistler

Oscar Wilde, after Whistler made a good joke: "I wish I had said that."
Whistler: "You will, Oscar, you will."

Abraham Lincoln, again

Foreign diplomat: "Mr. Lincoln! You black your own boots?!"
Lincoln: "Yes. Whose boots do you black?"

Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington

Wellesley, after a hostess at a reception apologized for French officers who had turned their backs on him: "I have seen their backs before, madam."

Miriam Hopkins

Anonymous singer: "You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars."
Hopkins: "That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money?"

Truman Capote

Jealous man, after whipping out his man parts: "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?"
Capote: "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

Dorothy Parker, one more time

Parker, after a journalist requested an interview: "Tell him I'm too f*cking busy or vice versa."

Jack E. Leonard

Leonard, to an enemy: "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure."

Babe Ruth

Ruth, after being told he made more money than President Herbert Hoover: "Maybe, but I had a better year than he did."

Mae West

West, about a man she disliked: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Dorothy Parker, yet again

Parker, on the prom at Harvard University: "If all the ladies were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."

Elizabeth Taylor

Taylor, speaking about her co-stars: "Some of my best leading men were dogs and horses."

Muhammad Ali

Joe Frazier: "He's a phony, using his blackness to get his way."
Ali: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife."

Sparta

Philip of Macedon in a message to Sparta: "You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city."
Sparta's reply: "If."

James Reston

Reston, on Richard Nixon: "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

P.G. Wodehouse

Wodehouse, on someone he knew: "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and forgotten to say 'when.'"

Robert Benchley

Benchley, to a uniformed man: "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"
Man: "I'm not a doorman. I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."
Benchley: "All right, then; get me a battleship."

Groucho Marx, again

Marx, to a co-star: "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."

Albert Einstein

Einstein, speaking generally: "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not too sure about the former."

Ludwig van Beethoven

Beethoven, to a fellow composer: "I like your opera, I think I will set it to music."

Pope John XXIII

Pope John, when asked "how many people work in the Vatican": "About half."

Victor Hugo

Hugo, on Napoleon Bonaparte: "God was bored with him."

Hunter S. Thompson

Thompson, on presidential candidate Hubert Humphrey: "They don't make 'em like that any more ??? but just to be on the safe side, he should be c*strated anyway."

King Edward VIII

Edward, on America: "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children."

Reverend Edward Everett Hale

Hale, when asked if he prayed for US senators: "No, I look at senators and pray for the country."

Gerald Ford

Ford, on Ronald Reagan: "Ronnie doesn't dye his hair - he's just permanently orange."

John Adams

Adams: "In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress."

Mark Twain

Twain, on the death of someone he didn't like: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Teddy Roosevelt

Roosevelt, on William McKinley: "He has the backbone of a chocolate eclair."

Harry Truman

Truman: "Richard Nixon is a no-good lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in."

Moses Hadas

Hadas, after a rival sent him a copy of their book: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Bill Clinton

Clinton, after Dan Quayle said that he planned to be "a pitbull" in the 1992 presidential campaign: "That's got every fire hydrant in America worried."

F.E. Smith

J.H. Thomas, MP: "Could you direct me to the House of Commons loo?"

F.E. Smith: "First left, go along the corridor. You'll see a door marked 'gentlemen,' but don't let that deter you."

Oscar Wilde, again

Wilde, on George Bernard Shaw: "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Dean Acheson

Acheson, on Lyndon Johnson: "A real centaur: part man, part horse's ass!"

John Lennon

Reporter: "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?"

Lennon: "He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."

Billy Wilder

Wilder, on a critic: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."