The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson

Computer One Liners

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.

Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!

Autocorrect can go to He'll.

Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine.

Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Did you ever look at what's "Popular on Netflix" and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix?

Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Every function without you will always be void of love.

Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'.

Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.

Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.

Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

I bought the smallest Fitbit they've got because I wanna get fit but just a little bit.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So, whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches.

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said, "Outlook not so good."
And I said, "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.  - Unknown

I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.

If your partner asks, "Do you love your phone more than you love me?" Lie.

I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."

I'm gonna spend Valentine 's Day with my ex... Box 360.

iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it...

Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Make sure you limit your video game time today, I don't want you to become super violent. Remember, before video games war wasn't a thing.

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Password looks at itself in the mirror: "Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password."

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Q: “What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?” A: “Guardians of the Galaxy.”

Q: "What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?" A: “I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions.”

Q: "What's wrong with my computer?" A: “It looks like your hard drive went soft."

Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888. So, when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.

Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.

So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.

Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".

They say when you play that Microsoft Windows CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows

There is no key to a woman's heart. There's only a password that changes regularly.

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

Well son, in the '90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!

What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a "mile" between the s's!

What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.

When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the WIFI password until his chores are done.

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

WIFI went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mom saying "I have a computer question."

Yesterday I decided to change my WIFI name to "Hack me if you can" and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own.

You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.

You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!

You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones.

You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."