The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson


Containing His Articles, Observations, Thoughts, Meanderings,
and some would say Wisdom (and some would say not).

Computer Humor

Murphy's Laws Of ITTOC

  1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.
  3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  5. For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
  6. To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.
  7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
  8. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  9. The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.  

New Computer Viruses You Should Know AboutTOC

  • ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
  • AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
  • ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
  • COMCAST VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  • CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
  • CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
  • FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
  • GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
  • GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  • HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
  • IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Amazon.
  • PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\
  • PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
  • POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  • SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
  • STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
  • TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
  • THE LIBERAL VIRUS Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you that: "You don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."
  • VERIZON VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the COMCAST virus.

Beggars & InternetTOC

Three beggars are begging in Metropolis ...

The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup. After one day he had received ten bucks.

The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup. After one day he had received hundreds of thousands of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote "eBeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting. Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that eBeg uses 95% Oracle technology. i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar. Cisco just announced that virtually all eBeg traffic runs over their equipment.

Computer RepairmanTOC

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Duffy, the computer guy, to come over. Duffy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.  As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."  I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"  Duffy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll get it”.
So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T   

What we have here is a failure to communicateTOC

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.” 

How Was I Born?TOC

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a hard one, and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've got Male!" .

Computer NerdsTOC

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Computers Male or FemaleTOC

Humankind’s propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

  • They have a lot of data, but they’re still clueless.
  • A better model is just around the corner.
  • They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
  • It’s always essential to have a backup.
  • They’ll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
  • The best part of having one is the games you can play.
  • In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  • The lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • Big power surges knock them out at night.
  • Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

  • They’re oh so picky, picky, picky.
  • They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
  • Beauty is only shell deep.
  • When you ask them what’s wrong, they always say ‘nothing’.
  • They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
  • They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
  • Small talk is important.
  • You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
  • They make you take the garbage out.
  • Miss a period and they go wild.

What Gender is Your ComputerTOC

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil, ‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Software UpgradeTOC

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

******************************************************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech! Support

Microsoft LandingTOC

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Gates vs. GMTOC

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the  windows, shut off the car, restart! it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. !
  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Computers ContrastTOC

In Computer Heaven:

  • The management is from Intel,
  • The design and construction is done by Apple,
  • The marketing is done by Microsoft,
  • IBM provides the support,
  • Dell determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

  • The management is from Apple,
  • Microsoft does design and construction,
  • IBM handles the marketing,
  • The support is from Dell,
  • Intel sets the price.

Bill Gates at the Pearly GatesTOC

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?   I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."  

Bill Gate in HellTOC

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity.

You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer.

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 10!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Great News for Bill GatesTOC

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Donald Trump went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Vladimir Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows.

When I Was YoungTOC

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

- Author Unknown