The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson

Elder Humor

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Childhood: That time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror. Middle age: That time of life when the mirror gets even. Old Age: when you try to avoid looking in a mirror.

Thoughtful Son-In-Law

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "OK. How about a chair!"

Senior Challenges

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Don't Forget

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them.

They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they’ve been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.

"Sure," he says.

She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you’ll remember."

“I’ll remember,” he says

"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top,” she says. “You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."

"I can remember that,” he says, as he begins to loose his patience. “You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I would also like whip cream on top,” she adds, “I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Eat Elsewhere

An elderly couple were having trouble with their romantic lives. They visited the doctor who listened carefully, then pronounced his diagnosis.

At your age, he stated, you need spontaneity and immediacy. The next time you feel the urge, carry it out. I don't care it it's on the dining room table; take action.

The next month, the couple returned for their visit. "How did my suggestion work" the doctor asked? "Great!!!, the man replied, but we can't eat at Denny’s' anymore."

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

• You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
• You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
• You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
• You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
• The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
• They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds. . .and fourths.
• You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
• You ask the garage to check why your car is costing so little to run.
• Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
• You still hide your best make-up.

Signs You're Getting Older

• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• A recent statistic in USA Today showed what senior citizens do to modify their homes. It found 18 percent replace faucets, 23 percent add lighting, and nearly 95 percent cover all the furniture with plastic.
• As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)
• As Moms Mobley said, having romance with the hubby is like trying to push a Cadillac up a hill with a rope.
• As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
• At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
• Books are in the past. You look forward to evening, so you can sink your teeth into a good glass.
• Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• During love making, you are proclaimed a "wild animal." Upon further examination, the animal is a sloth.
• During your bus ride from the gym, a young lady offers you her seat.
• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• It takes twice as long to look half as good.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• Money put into the collection plate is no longer a donation, but an investment.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
• The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
• The names in your little black book are doctors.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
• The waitress wants payment for your breakfast in advance.
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• When comfort triumphs over fashion.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you bend over, you look for something else to do while you're down there.
• When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
• When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
• When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
• You and your teeth don't sleep together.
• You answer a question with, "because I said so."
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• You bend over and wonder if there's anything else you can do while you are down there.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You can whistle while you brush your teeth.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You don't date women/men your age. There aren't any.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
• You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• You forget to zip up. You're even older when you forget to zip down.
• You fuss at how "cheap mirrors" distort your reflection. On the other hand, your eyes are worse, and you say to yourself, "I don't look so bad."
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You get the urge but can't remember what for.
• You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.
• You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
• You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
• You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
• You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
• You hang out with older people to feel younger.
• You have a dream about prunes.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You have everything you had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
• You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You move the mirror from the bedroom ceiling to the dining room table ceiling.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You remember when errors were blamed on people instead of computers.
• You send money to PBS.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• You start conversations with, "In my day."
• You stop chasing men/women and hook them with your cane.
• You stop chasing women/men because you're too fine, too decent, too old.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You take longer to get over a good time than to have it.
• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• Your back goes out but you stay home.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• Your birthday candles set off the fire alarm.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• Your class reunion is no fun because it's just a bunch of old people.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
• Your head makes commitments your body can't keep.
• Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
• Your hunting trips are for your reading glasses.
• Your idea of getting out, getting fresh air and exercise is driving with the windows open.
• Your idea of weightlifting is standing up.
• Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• Your Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.
• Your toupee turns gray
• Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
• Your wife is as pretty as she was when you were classmates in school, but it takes an hour longer. Plus, she is now ten years younger than you are.
• You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.