The Personal Website of Mark W. Dawson

Jewish Humor

Things we Learned in Hebrew School:

• The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
• Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
• No meal is complete without leftovers.
• According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants
• A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
• Never take a front-row seat at a Bris.
• Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
• Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
• Spring ahead; fall back; winters in Boca.
• Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
• Always whisper the names of diseases.
• If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
• The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended. 
• Without Jewish mothers, no one would need therapy.
• If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid. 
• Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Boca.

 Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards: 

• Under the same management for over 5,774 years.
• Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
• What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
• Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

More Jewish Stuff: 

• My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty. 
• Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. 
• It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
  "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? "Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
• An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
• A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."
• Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
• A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright? 
• Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."
  Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."
  "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
  "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
  "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
  Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.  And you only call me when you want something.  And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.  You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself!  And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.  Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!  I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
  Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable!  So, what's the problem?"
  Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch’."
• It's the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
  She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a groundskeeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says,
  "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
  "That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
• A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.
  "My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . .
  You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"
  "I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
  "Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
  "Sister, why are you leaving?"
  "I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"
• A man asks a passerby, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
  The man shakes his head.
  He asks a second man but gets no answer.
  He stops a third man. "Do you speak Yiddish?"
  "Of course."
  "Please, vat time is it?"
• At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."
  "Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white.
  When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time.
  Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
  "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
  Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
  "You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
  "That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred.
  "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time."
  "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
  "A Jewish girl, how come?"
  "It'll seem longer."
• It was a dark and stormy night, and Mendelson, an old man, knew that the end was near. "Call the priest," he said to his wife, "and tell him to come right away." "The priest? Max, you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!"
  "No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest.
  Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"
• A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.
  The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure.
  This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket.
  Let's call Grandma and ask her."
  So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
  The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
  Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home.
  "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
  "I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
• Two elderly widowed Jewish women were walking down the street in Boca for their morning constitution.
  They noticed an elderly Jewish man walking down the street toward them.
  As they had not seen him before they stopped him to introduce themselves.
  They inquired if he was new to the neighborhood, which he affirmed.
  They then asked where he had come from.
  He responded that it was a very sad story.
  He informed them that 20 years ago he and his wife had gotten into a big fight in which he accidently killed her.
  He then informed them for the last 20 years he had been imprisoned to pay his debt to society for her death.
  At that point one of the elderly widowed Jewish woman asked “So, you’re single?”.
• A young Jewish couple at the beginning to the 20^th century married a bought a farm in the Ukraine. After a year the farm was successful enough that they could afford to buy a heifer that they could milk. After another successful year they decided to buy a bull that they could mate with the heifer. Upon putting both the heifer and bull in the same corral the bull attempted to mate with the heifer. However, the heifer was having nothing of it. She kicked at the bull and ran away whenever the bull approached her. After several days of this they began to fret over the situation. They decided to consult with the wisest man they knew, their local Rabbi. After they explained the situation to the Rabbi the Rabbi asked if the heifer was purchased in Vinnytsia. They were amazed that he had correctly guessed that they had purchased the heifer in Vinnytsia. They asked him how he could have possibly guessed this. He responded, “My wife is from Vinnytsia”.
• What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking?
  The Italian mother kills her son. The Jewish mother kills herself.
• A Jewish woman presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good-sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So, I did!
• A wealthy and kind man passed away. This man was known for his loaning money to people in need, especially for religious leaders in need of some ready cash. At his funeral a Minister approached the coffin and slipped an envelope into it. He then whispered to the dead man that the envelope contained $1000 in repayment of a loan the dead man had given him. A few moments later a Priest approached the coffin and slipped an envelope into it. The Priest then whispered to the dead man that the envelope contained $1000 in repayment of a loan the dead man had given him. Several moments later a Rabbi approached the coffin and slipped an envelope into it. The Rabbi then whispered to the dead man that the envelope contained a $1000 check in repayment of a loan the dead man had given him.
• So, David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. “Ma”, he said to his Jewish Mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.” Sure enough, twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. “It’s that one”, said his Jewish mother, without blinking an eye. “Holy cow”, exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?” “I just don’t like her”, she replied.
• Jewish worker – Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?
  Jewish Manager – Certainly not!
  Jewish worker –Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.
• A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

Jewish Samurai

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a
new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese,
a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the
Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a
fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor,
neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,
show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a
tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! *
The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the
Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish
samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one
fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so
mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still
buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The
fly isn't even dead."

"Dead? DEAD?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy ~ ~ but
circumcised?"